Talent Night
by Darkstar16
Summary: Chuckles finally performs. I really have no idea what I was on when I wrote this...


     How, he wondered silently to himself, had he EVER allowed himself to be talked into this? Any sane rational man would have run a mile from the very suggestion of what he was about to do.  He should have, would have, had anyone but her asked him. He was a fool. A crazy stupid gullible fool. All she had to do was look at him with those eyes of hers, give him that look and he'd do anything, ANYTHING she asked… even this.  He'd also do anything to make her laugh, she took everything too seriously and didn't laugh enough, and this would make her laugh, in fact this was going to make EVERYONE laugh, probably even Tuvok.  _The Doctor had better be standing by_, he mused_, in order to fix people who would literally split their sides at his expense, not to mention an engineering team in case the hull breached due to the pressure variance that would occur when he walked out there and the entire crew guffawed at once…_  He would never live it down, NEVER, "good for morale, my ass" he muttered, "I bet Tom had something to do with this, he's certainly going to be making a piss-pot full of money on the betting pool tonight…" 

     They had finally weakened his resolve never to perform on talent night, after years of cajoling, wheedling, pleading and downright deviousness he had finally conceded defeat and agreed to do an act.  Unable to think of something to do, he'd agreed to let the Captain decide for him, but if he'd known what she had had in mind for him to do, he would have stolen a shuttle and fled for his life, or at least his self respect, not to mention the respect of his crewmates…  

     Suddenly the curtain closed on the stage as the Delaney sisters, in matching Cat-woman outfits left the stage.

     "Looking good" one of them smirked as they walked past him. 

     "You're next, knock 'em dead" added the other, then they headed out round the front to watch, laughing as they went.  

     He heard Neelix say his name and music start, _well, it's now or never he_ thought, _never, NEVER!!!_ _There's still time!!  Run!!_ The sane half of his brain was screaming at him, cursing himself for a sucker he ignored it and strode onto the stage, or at least attempted to stride, given his footwear, limped would probably be a more accurate description.

     There was a collective gasp, as 150 mouths dropped open, the only exception being the Delaney sisters who had helped him get ready and Tuvok, whose eyebrows were nowhere to be seen…  Even Seven was gaping.  At least there was no laughter – yet, they were all too shocked.  Trying not to look at anything but the floor, knowing it was all about to become much much worse, he sighed resignedly flicked back his long blond hair (courtesy of the holo emitters) and began to sing…

     ** "Sometimes it's hard to be a woman…"**

     NOW they laughed

     ** "Giving all your love to just one man…"**

     He would never ever be allowed to forget this

     As he sang, he swayed slightly, the bright red stilettos not allowing him to properly move his feet.  His legs, perfectly waxed (at great pain to him and great amusement to Jenny and Megan)  were encased in tight crimson fishnet stockings which were not, well, designed to be worn by a man and which, coupled with the tight red leather mini-skirt were meaning that he had no need to fake the soprano voice in which he was singing.

     He was wearing a low-cut red top with inbuilt "chesticles" as Jenny had jokingly referred to them, so large that they made even seven seem positively under-endowed.  His holo-makeup had been painstakingly and flawlessly applied by the Delaney sisters who had, until this point been the only ones to see him that night on the holodeck. 

     ** "For after all he's just a man…"**

     _Spirits_ he thought, _they needn't have used blusher_, his face felt like it was on fire and probably matching the rest of his outfit quite nicely….

     **Staaaaaaaand**** by yoouur maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnn…."**

He finished, finally, curtseyed for good measure, fled (as best he could) off the stage and called for a site-to-site before anyone could come anywhere near him.  

     He had just materialised in his quarters when the door chimed.  He knew who it was, _how did she get here so fast?_ He wondered.  

      "Come in" he muttered ungraciously.  She walking in laughing, the doors hissed shut behind her.  Her laughing abruptly ceased as she looked at him, shock registering on her face, rapidly replaced by understanding and then a wicked devious looking grin accompanied by a dangerous glint in her eyes, he'd seen that look before and it usually resulted in a lot of trouble for whoever it was directed at.  "Uh uh Captain???" he stuttered uncertainly.  

      "Just admiring the view" she chuckled.  "Wonderful performance by the way, oh and I meant to ask, where DID you get that delightful outfit??"  

      "Oh THAT" he muttered ungraciously" Jenny called it and the makeup up on the holodeck…." As he spoke, a sinking feeling grabbed the pit of his stomach and he became suddenly aware that there was a distinct absence of a constricting pain in and around his groin and his feet were firmly placed and flat, on the floor. 

     As the grim realisation struck him that he was standing butt naked in front of his commanding officer and a commanding officer that he was in love with no less, his face grew even redder (and he wasn't aware that THAT was possible) and then turned a sickly shade of grey…  He pleaded with his brain for an idea, any idea, but his brain had long since given up on him and was occupying itself by attempting to commit suicide on a cellular level.  

      "Uuuuhhhh" he managed to stutter out, "why are you staring at me?"  

      "Like I said before commander, just admiring the view…"  

      "whaaaaaa??? Cap cap cap capthryn?" _She's coming on to me!!!! _Half of his brain added helpfully._  Shut up you fool and jump her… NOW!!!  _The other half screamed in response.  As he was just attempting to stutter out something vaguely coherent, he saw her start walking towards him, a predatory look fixed on her face, he heard her call out to the computer for a security lock, his eyes widened and the lights went out….

     Some time later…

     As he lay in his bed with her curled up next to him, fast asleep, he looked down at her and thought to himself that despite the humiliation he was going to have to live with, all the piss-taking and ridicule, it was worth it, more than worth it, if he had the chance to live tonight over again, he'd do it the same way, and it didn't matter that the whole ship would never ever let him forget this night because he never wanted to anyway…


End file.
